We gave our doggy to the blue cross a few weeks ago and I really miss him and I feel awful for abandoning him.

I think, in truth, we did do the right thing where the dog is concerned ... and It's purely selfish reasons for missing him ... but I went on their website today and saw his profile on there (which means that they havent been able to rehome him yet) and just wanted to go get him and bring him back.

He is such a lovely doggy and I had him since a pup (only 4 years) but his brother died on that boating holiday we went on and I loved them both soo much.

But ...

With both kiddies and us living in this top floor flat without a lift I wasnt able to walk him very often and during the day when the other half was at work, if the doggy needed a wee or a poo it was so hard to get outside with him. I would have to get both kiddies ready and manage the stairs with a toddler, a newborn and a super energised (under exercised) dog without falling arse over tit and killing myself or one of them.

But ...

I still miss him !

Oh ... and the worst thing ... we let Zak's ashes go in a place called the warred where we would walk the doggies ... and we promised Zak that him and Orion would be together again to run around the place ... and now ... cos we dont have Orion any more that isnt going to happen.

And I know it's a silly thing to be upset about ... and I know he's only a dog ... but I feel awful about it.

Gone by in the wink of an eye ...

It really does go so quickly !!!

I am in two minds though ... half of me wants to savour every moment because I'm not planning on going through it all again ... but the other half of me wants the next 8 weeks to go by just as quickly because I am so bloody tired if they drag I dont think I will survive them !

Mornings are the worst.

Elinor wakes up at about 5:30am ... and feeds and feeds and feeds ... if she isnt feeding she cries ... and she really wont go to sleep until about 10:30 / 11:00 ! Alex wakes up at 6:30am and wants all of my attention ... he needs feeding and cleaning and dressing and entertaining at the same time that Elinor wants feeding ! So for the entire 5 hours one of them is always crying !

Other than that things aren't too bad.

Andrew comes home early afternoon most days so I have a couple of hours of both of them once they have woken up from their naps.

Housework is being completely neglected !!!!!

And I have discovered the best way to survive the nights is NOT to look at the clock ... if I know how often and for how long she is waking me up I would feel bloody awful ... instead I just get up ... feed, change nappies, cuddle and watch boring re-runs on the television or something equally as boring I have got on the sky plus ! But it is our quality time together ... so i am trying to enjoy it !

And then it is morning again ............

That is the question !?

This newborn baby thing is almost a first time experience for me ... Alex was an exception to the rule and because he was poorly and was in hospital and had an operation etc we had to treat him differently to how you would a normal baby.

The operation he had was on his stomach and part of the aftercare was not letting him really cry for 6 weeks in case he developed a hernia ... so leaving Elinor to cry for even 30 seconds seems really alien to me.

My mum assures me that me and my sisters were left for hours at a time (checked on every 15 minutes) in the pram in the garden or in our cribs and we are all fine ... but it just seems so strange to even leave her for a minute.

But if she is clean and dry ... and snuggly warm ... and fed ... and winded ... and isn't settling whilst I'm cuddling her ... is there any point in me cuddling her ?! And does 10 minutes crying really do little ones any harm ?

Hmmmmmmmm